wizard hat

This is a guest post from a guy who smokes while he shits. Enjoy his dump on our blog!


I was working in Valencia (a godforsaken valley NE of LA) on a western of all things in the middle of fucking July. Man it was hot.

Another lowly PA came up to me and said did you see the wizard hat? Dizzy from the heat, demoralized by the horrible road that had led me to this particular point in my faggot career I forgot how much better it is to hate everyone on film sets and asked "what?" or "who?". He pointed at a portopotty gleaming faded blue amidst dead grass and dying oak trees in the fatal California sun. My frying brain sorted it out: twirling through the canyons of valencia a wizard had put down his hat while taking a crap because it was getting soaked with sweat in the plastic hellbox and left it there all covered in stars and stink.

I knew I was wrong. I knew it was some bullshit this bastard from the midwest was using to pacify his own sense of hopelessness. FaireyfuckingNuff! The day was dragging and as it were I don't enjoy unsolved mysteries so I went to the forsaken stinkpit, with gizmo giggling and trying to psyche me up for his little haha. When I looked in there was no coneshaped hat with crescents and ringed cirles on it, no fucking smell of witchhazel and lemongrass, just a big pile of beached* poop and that horrible stench that accompanies any shit but mine. Dewd points at the vaguely conical pile in the hole and goes "wizard hat eghh". Besides the joke it was pretty ill, this pile was like 3 different colors and looked like it weighed a lot.

Long story short this crusty old lady who was the script supervisor did something the next day at lunch that really sealed things. She waved her fork over her plate like a magic wand and said 'this food is so good" or "delicious!". The hat's finder saw this shit too and so we started saying "abracadabra" anytime she was around which was funny as fuck because her real name was barbara and she'd be all "what? did you call my name?". It was real hard not to titter, on the last day I was saying abracadabra on the walkie talkie like every hour.

Ok that's my story, the krapper's the shit, KEEP IT UP! You guys are the man!

*beached: when shit piles so high and full it clears the water. ie: "Providence beached it again"

- MW