Shit Shoes

What you're about to read has nothing to do with stepping in dog shit or any kind of shit for that matter.

Ever have the uneasy feeling while yer shitting at work that a fellow co-worker is gonna enter the bathroom and recognize you as the one on the krapper in the stall because he/she identified your shoes? For instance let's say I was taking a shit and a guy from the office next door to mine came in to pee and I wondered if he knew it was me sitting there on the porcelain god.


"Ahh look it's all black Vans chukkas size 8.5!!! That's gotta be Art in there taking a shit AGAIN!! Man, his shit always stinks soooo bad. Smells like his poop is made of tater tots and beer. Christ, I gotta hold my breath as I piss."

When I think about all the offices on every floor of every building with a bathroom on each floor in Manhattan I realize that's a lot of krappers and a lot of people who poo and worry about being identified. Apparently SKLI (Shoe Krap Loss of Identity) is not just a sympton of New York but is also a problem on the West Coast. How bout that? My friend Corey who lives out in LA offered the best possible solution. I know it's the best because I had a colleauge at the APL (Johns Hopkins Applied Physics Laboratory) test this theory with a cognitive engineering model. Over a shit inducing white chocolate mocha, Corey told me his idea to beat SKLI. "All you gotta do man, is bring an extra pair of shoes to work. I call them shit shoes. Before you go to the restroom change into them. Maybe you can find a secret place to stash 'em. The trick is to make sure your shit shoes are something that other folks know you'd never wear." That's just brillane (brilliant + insane) as I congratulated him on such a creative vision. "Really man, this is gonna implicate the fashion industry. We have Marc Jacobs shoes, Marc by Marc Jacobs shoes and now there just has to be Marc by Marc Jacobs shoes for crapping!!" I told him. I couldn't wait to get back to New York and shop for shit shoes. So far Corey's method is by far the best. I've been field testing it. 9 out of 10 times it works! When doesn't it? Well, when the smell of my shit is recoginized.

"Who's that in there on the crapper. Jesus, I gotta shit. Hmmmmmm...don't recognize the shoes, but that smell!! ugh! Disgusting! AAAAARRRRRRRRTTTTTT!!!!!! it's you!! you piece of shit."

ADDENDUM

This data just received from the APL with an interesting conclusion:

A) Poo smell of tater totz, beef, pizza, eggs and Maker's Mark + all black chukka Vans shoes = Art 100%
B) Poo smell of red curry, rice and Johnnie Walker Black + all black chukka Vans shoes =Art 100%
C) Poo smell of tater totz, beef, pizza, eggs and Maker's Mark + cheap old man slip ons from Walmart = Art 10%
* in senario "C" if the subject has a previous learned response to the scent of this poo mixture the subject will able to indenify that the shitter is Art. See APL Vol. 26, No. 4 (2005) for further reading.

CONCLUSION

Further studies must continue. We will add variables to our experiment. Suggested are: shit pants and de-odor spray. New research begins now. In a few months of field (stall) research the findings will be published in the John Hopkins APL Technical Digest and The Krapper.

-AB