wizard hat

This is a guest post from a guy who smokes while he shits. Enjoy his dump on our blog!


I was working in Valencia (a godforsaken valley NE of LA) on a western of all things in the middle of fucking July. Man it was hot.

Another lowly PA came up to me and said did you see the wizard hat? Dizzy from the heat, demoralized by the horrible road that had led me to this particular point in my faggot career I forgot how much better it is to hate everyone on film sets and asked "what?" or "who?". He pointed at a portopotty gleaming faded blue amidst dead grass and dying oak trees in the fatal California sun. My frying brain sorted it out: twirling through the canyons of valencia a wizard had put down his hat while taking a crap because it was getting soaked with sweat in the plastic hellbox and left it there all covered in stars and stink.

I knew I was wrong. I knew it was some bullshit this bastard from the midwest was using to pacify his own sense of hopelessness. FaireyfuckingNuff! The day was dragging and as it were I don't enjoy unsolved mysteries so I went to the forsaken stinkpit, with gizmo giggling and trying to psyche me up for his little haha. When I looked in there was no coneshaped hat with crescents and ringed cirles on it, no fucking smell of witchhazel and lemongrass, just a big pile of beached* poop and that horrible stench that accompanies any shit but mine. Dewd points at the vaguely conical pile in the hole and goes "wizard hat eghh". Besides the joke it was pretty ill, this pile was like 3 different colors and looked like it weighed a lot.

Long story short this crusty old lady who was the script supervisor did something the next day at lunch that really sealed things. She waved her fork over her plate like a magic wand and said 'this food is so good" or "delicious!". The hat's finder saw this shit too and so we started saying "abracadabra" anytime she was around which was funny as fuck because her real name was barbara and she'd be all "what? did you call my name?". It was real hard not to titter, on the last day I was saying abracadabra on the walkie talkie like every hour.

Ok that's my story, the krapper's the shit, KEEP IT UP! You guys are the man!

*beached: when shit piles so high and full it clears the water. ie: "Providence beached it again"

- MW

Poopy People

My friend Ashley, a paramedic in New Orleans wrote in her blog the other day...

"On a side note, I had perhaps what was my grossest call ever on Wednesday. It involved a patient covered literally from head to toe in diarrhea. Even worse, said diarrhea had a grotesque and quite nauseating odor of white cheddar macaroni and cheese. I haven't come that close to vomiting on scene in about 5 years. There is quite more to this call but I'll do everyone the favor of omitting more details since I have succeeded in making myself queasy just remembering it."

Would love to have more details! Don't worry I'm on it.

-AB

The Door is Open!!!

A week and a half ago my two roommates went out to LA to play some shows and demoralize West Coast krappers. Before they left we had a funny exchange.

J. says, "Boonparn!!!! You've got the place to yerself!!! You can walk around the apartment naked."

I replied, "Yeah then I won't have to take off my pants to take a shit."

All: Laughter, harrr heee hooo harh eee hohohahahah lol 55555 wwww heeeeee hardy har har

The first few days I enjoyed shitting with the door open.

Then it evolved to:

"Hmmm having the place to myself I'll just shit on the floor. No reason to go to the bathroom."

-AB

From the home office in Edwardsville, Illinois

My friend Kari tells a story...

"My dad used to have a weirdo at his office that shit with the fuckin' door open! Now, tell me, what in the hell would possess someone to do THAT! He was obviously a shit sharer. I mean, if he didn't want to smell his own shit..then why would anyone else, right?"


Now I wonder if the "open door" she's talking about is the stall door or the bathroom door. Ha, and I was just thinking this morning..."hey my roommates are out of town I can't wait to shit with the door open!!!

-AB

Now the Krapper is Clogged!!!!

Here's a picture of our poor krapper in it's worst state ever. Well, maybe not as bad as the time I condemned it after I ate White Castle. So anyways our krapper got clooged with poo then a guest puked in it hours later. Sorry krapper.



-AB

the blog is clogged!!!!

A few day ago I got clogged up hence no blog entries. Catherine is clogged over in Europe too. Amazing. Finally this morning I managed to carve a totem pole and this afternoon I felt the urge. Thankfully I relieved myself before getting on the subway. Guess what? I managed to clog the krapper at work AGAIN and had to quietly sneak out. I guess that's what eating homemade paht thai for a week will do to you. I was on a good streak of pooing every day. Two weekends ago thanks to Indian food on 6th Street I blew out my ass 4 times in 24 hours, but that's another story.

-AB

Shit Shoes

What you're about to read has nothing to do with stepping in dog shit or any kind of shit for that matter.

Ever have the uneasy feeling while yer shitting at work that a fellow co-worker is gonna enter the bathroom and recognize you as the one on the krapper in the stall because he/she identified your shoes? For instance let's say I was taking a shit and a guy from the office next door to mine came in to pee and I wondered if he knew it was me sitting there on the porcelain god.


"Ahh look it's all black Vans chukkas size 8.5!!! That's gotta be Art in there taking a shit AGAIN!! Man, his shit always stinks soooo bad. Smells like his poop is made of tater tots and beer. Christ, I gotta hold my breath as I piss."

When I think about all the offices on every floor of every building with a bathroom on each floor in Manhattan I realize that's a lot of krappers and a lot of people who poo and worry about being identified. Apparently SKLI (Shoe Krap Loss of Identity) is not just a sympton of New York but is also a problem on the West Coast. How bout that? My friend Corey who lives out in LA offered the best possible solution. I know it's the best because I had a colleauge at the APL (Johns Hopkins Applied Physics Laboratory) test this theory with a cognitive engineering model. Over a shit inducing white chocolate mocha, Corey told me his idea to beat SKLI. "All you gotta do man, is bring an extra pair of shoes to work. I call them shit shoes. Before you go to the restroom change into them. Maybe you can find a secret place to stash 'em. The trick is to make sure your shit shoes are something that other folks know you'd never wear." That's just brillane (brilliant + insane) as I congratulated him on such a creative vision. "Really man, this is gonna implicate the fashion industry. We have Marc Jacobs shoes, Marc by Marc Jacobs shoes and now there just has to be Marc by Marc Jacobs shoes for crapping!!" I told him. I couldn't wait to get back to New York and shop for shit shoes. So far Corey's method is by far the best. I've been field testing it. 9 out of 10 times it works! When doesn't it? Well, when the smell of my shit is recoginized.

"Who's that in there on the crapper. Jesus, I gotta shit. Hmmmmmm...don't recognize the shoes, but that smell!! ugh! Disgusting! AAAAARRRRRRRRTTTTTT!!!!!! it's you!! you piece of shit."

ADDENDUM

This data just received from the APL with an interesting conclusion:

A) Poo smell of tater totz, beef, pizza, eggs and Maker's Mark + all black chukka Vans shoes = Art 100%
B) Poo smell of red curry, rice and Johnnie Walker Black + all black chukka Vans shoes =Art 100%
C) Poo smell of tater totz, beef, pizza, eggs and Maker's Mark + cheap old man slip ons from Walmart = Art 10%
* in senario "C" if the subject has a previous learned response to the scent of this poo mixture the subject will able to indenify that the shitter is Art. See APL Vol. 26, No. 4 (2005) for further reading.

CONCLUSION

Further studies must continue. We will add variables to our experiment. Suggested are: shit pants and de-odor spray. New research begins now. In a few months of field (stall) research the findings will be published in the John Hopkins APL Technical Digest and The Krapper.

-AB

fArt compilation

After catching so many of Art's farts on video, I was inspired to make this fArt compilation:



- CLF

mystery dumper

Speaking of office dumping, we had a dumper at my office who refused to flush her daily massive shits. Like clockwork, her bloated logs would appear in one of the women's stall toilets about 4 p.m. every day. PIty the fool who picked that stall. Not only were the logs so tractor-trailer wide that it was traumatizing to imagine they were shaped by a woman's bowels, but they smelled. Really bad. I learned this the hard way when I tried to be the good bathroom samaritan. I spotted the dump and decided to flush the toilet to spare the others. I stepped into the stall and nearly gagged from the fumes. After the violent sensory attack, I vowed to put an end to our mystery dumper. I walked back into the office and told every female about it. "Hey, have you noticed the massive shits that are appearing in our toilets every day? Like, hello! Flush it!" I hoped the dumping fame-seeker would get the message - no matter how gloriously large, her shits were not wanted in these parts.

From my cubeicle, I had a pretty good view of the bathroom. After a few weeks of deduction, I settled on an obese woman who worked in another department and who actually wasn't supposed to be using our bathroom. She was coming into our shiny office from the shipping and receiving warehouse to make her mark. I had to revise my defense strategy. Maybe a sign would work, taped to her favorite shitting stall - "Please flush yer big craps, lady!"

The bad economy saved us in the end. Her department got consolidated and moved to another facility, and the big floaters were never to be seen again.

- CLF

Meet the krappers!!!

We're not just bloggers! We're vloggers too or errr maybe cloggers from what you will read. Besides pooing we love to fart, and we are fuckin' good at it. Here I am farting like Miles Davis played trumpet back in his Kind of Blue days. Braaaaaaappppphhhhhh. Catherine is behind the camera and makes a cameo at the end. Her cousin Nora came to visit us and when she was getting ready to leave I gave her a good ole' Bronx Cheer (or in this case Williamsburg Cheer) instead of saying "goodbye". I really hate goodbyes.

Fart for Nora


- AB

Glad I didn't dump this dump at home

I just clogged the toilet at work with my massive dump!!!! I gotta get the fuck outta here NOW!!!

-AB

Office Krapper

I miss our Greenpoint Krapper. I have been working at a desk job this week and have had to relegate my krapping to the office Krapper, which pales in comparison. It is a good feeling to get paid to Krap tho...

-JR

Lean Back

If you're ever having a hard time getting all your poo out, I would advise leaning back on the toilet. Your poo will fly out of your colon.

- CLF

Morning Shit

I totally sabottaged my healthy poo cycle two days ago when I went to bed with diarreah (dia for short). I don't know what I ate, but I was about to tuck into bed, drank some water, tried to fart and realized it wasn't gas that had to come out, but diarreah. I rushed to the bathroom and squirted out the dia. It sounded like pee. I waited after the first blast, knowing there was more to expel, but it wouldn't come. I fell asleep to the sound of my squishy bowels. I should have gotten up and sat on the pot for a while, but I was tired.

I woke up the next morning and realized that all the dia had compacted into constipation. I drank my coffee, had my cigarette, but my morning shit wouldn't come. I tried again and again yesterday, but could not dump. It kind of ruined my day. I was bloated and grumpy.

I fully expected to wake up today back to normal. Coffee, cigarette, shit. I was wrong. My morning dump was paltry and unsatisfying. I think I'll take some flax seed oil. My advice to our readers: Never go to sleep with diarreah.

- CLF

Royal Krapper or Throne of Krapper

For years I used to frequent this Mexican joint in Uptown New Orleans. Besides the amazing food they always had an amazing krapper throne. Yeah u can shit above the piss covered floor, but remember yer still not above sea level and well at least yer a king on this most royalest of toilets. On my most recent post-Katrina visit to New Orleans I managed to venture to Taqueria Corona not just to see if the Throne of Krapper was still there but to eat and imbibe in pitchers of sangria. A few pitchers later it was time to piss not krap unfortunately. I've prolly been here 20 plus times and never had the honor of de-virginizing the Throne with my assault. * note the Krapper at Taqueria is now referred to as the Throne cos' it's that special. Sure enough the Throne was still there!!! A refreshing moment. The Throne survived. I took this pick with my razr.



If yer ever in New Orleans the Throne can be found at the original Taqueria Corona location on 5932 Magazine Street. We would love it if you krapped here and wrote us about it.

-AB

Past Poo Post

My first entry from 2006's edition of The Krapper...

Man, this bathroom is so clean it's like shitting in an ice cream parlour.



Here's the Krapper in our apartment for the world to see. Come by and take a krap! You won't regret it.

Oh look, what's that sitting on top of the krapper? It's The Krapper journal.

-AB

Holding It In

A few weeks ago, a split second after AB asked if I needed the bathroom for anything and I replied "no", I was overcome with an overwhelming urge to use the Krapper. It hit me like a ton of bricks. Like hot not yet finished baking bricks. It happened when I was checking my e-mail, like always. I heard AB get in the shower and I prayed that he be quick. AB is pretty quick but not that quick. I felt like an ass having said no to his polite inquiry and I really didn't want to bang on the door and ask him to hurry up. Really, in retrospect, I should have run downstairs to the bar and asked them to use their Krapper. Instead, I walked around the apartment trying to convince my body that I was heading to toward the Krapper for relief, it allowed itself to be tricked a few times. I was sweating and doing a little dance. I almost developed a faith in god so I would have someone to pray too. I heard AB get out of the shower, he was singing a little song to himself, puttering around..I was sure Krap was going to start sliding down my leg at any moment..finally AB emerged wrapped in a towel and I rushed in and let loose a torrent of Krap that I thought was going to plug up the sewers all the way from our house to the Greenpoint treatment facility. There should be a word for this kind of relief, our language is inadequate, it was almost spiritual. I had to plunge the Krapper to get it all down....

-JR

Hot Poop

Walking into the warm bathroom just after my roommate dumped doesn't groce me out. In fact, it induces me to poo as well. Which is a good thing.

-AB

The Krapper is Born

The Krapper is Born...an introduction

The Krapper was orignially a journal kept in the bathrooms of the three authors of this blog who are: Art Boonparn, Jason Russo and Catherine Foley. We are proud to announce that The Krapper is now online. Originally The Krapper was a journal that Catherine started while at boarding school. She and her friends wrote in it while taking a crap. I thought that was a fuckin' great idea. See when you read while on the krapper you are taking in information, but if instead you write then you are expelling ideas onto paper as you expel shit out of your ass. Makes for a nice harmony. J. and started our own Krapper journal as we are roommates and brothers in krap. A few weeks ago I thought we should make The Krapper blog with Catherine who is over in Europe currently. Luckily, Catherine and I got to IM this morning and I told her I wanted to blog the Krapper. She was very excited. I just got an e-mail from her that goes something like this... "Buddy, I can't wait to poo and write something for The Krapper!!!!" Typically an entry is what we write or draw while krapping or maybe a story about a krap one of us took. We will also featuring articles of various interests such as: the + and -'s of krapping at work, weird shit you crap while on a cleansing diet, shit shoes, toilets of interest around the world, foods that make u poo and many more!!!

With that said..it's time to have fun. Oh and remember kids...a krapper that flushes is a happy krapper so be sure to maintain your krapper.

-AB